Mother’s Day is in two days. I look forward to celebrating with my boys. I’m beyond blessed to be their mom. It is truly a privilege to be a part of their journey in this world. I love how each of my boys is different, and how my parenting experience with each is unique.
Of course, Mother’s Day also conjures up so many memories of my mom. That was the ONE day a year that she wanted to spend with us. That she wanted us to acknowledge. She wanted her day on THAT day more than even her birthday. I’ll never fully know why, but we girls all knew that Mother’s Day was sacred.
This is my fifth Mother’s Day without my mom. Mother’s Day is…it’s hard. So. Damn. Hard. Her absence is profoundly felt as I walk past the displays in stores that scream, “Celebrate Mom!”, or as I choose cards for my mother-in-law. On Sunday, when I look on Facebook and see friends having brunch with mom. Or when I see their kids sitting on Grandma’s lap. Or when I see “generation” pictures. My throat constricts. My voice catches in my throat. I feel a pit in my stomach. I get just the slightest bit jealous. I don’t have time to wallow in my grief, as I have three beautiful blessings to show me how wonderful my present is…but..well..How I long for one more conversation. One more embrace. One more sniff of the essence that made Mom…Mom. The hardest part about not having a mom anymore is that I can’t ever have those again.
This time of year, I think of all of the parenting questions that come like rapid fire in my mind, none of which occurred to me back when she was so sick, and when we were squeezing in every last ounce of time we had with her. I think about asking her how she handled sassiness. How she handled a struggling student. How she handled BALANCE. She made it seem so easy…and so many days I feel like I’m floundering.
I’d love to ask her questions about tweens entering puberty. And middle school. I want to ask how she let go? Was it easy? Was it as difficult as I’m tending to find it? Was she as worried out of her mind as I am right now? I want to know if she ever struggled with watching us enter a new phase, or hitting a milestone. I wonder if she was ever reluctant to go with the flow and see what the future brought. I want to know if she was really as strong and confident as she seemed…or if there was an inner 12 year old in there second guessing her every move.
I would love to get her opinion about turning 40. Did she feel more confident? Care less about what others think? Did she own her quirks and passions? What did she do when she started to notice the gray hairs woven in her dark brunette hair? What about the wrinkles that started to sprinkle around her eyes? Did she worry about some of her freckles and beauty marks? Was she ever freaked out about finding a lump or worse?
Sunday will be a day with my boys. I’m grateful that I have them on that day, because without them, I would feel every bit of the being broken as I feel about missing my mom on that day. They have definitely helped me manage the grief and the pain of missing my own mother on Mother’s Day.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you and miss you always.
Mother’s Day, 2010 (Cole 10 months, Jake 6.5 years, Tate 4 years)