A family's story

Posts tagged ‘Insomnia’


I am tired. I have not slept well in weeks. I can’t even blame my children right now. They have been sleeping relatively well, considering all of the transition heading our way. I am the one who is struggling with insomnia. Can someone explain to me why the hours of 12:30-2:30 am are perfect for waking up and perseverating on all of the issues of life?!

I woke up at 12:30 this morning with a pounding headache. I got up, took some pain relievers, and tried to fall back asleep. As I tossed and turned, the following items ran through my head…in no particular order.

1. I need to provide Jake’s birth certificate for an upcoming lacrosse tournament. Where the heck did I put our copy?! Is it in our bedroom? No, we moved that pile elsewhere. Basement, maybe? Ugh…I’m going to have to dig through more crap down there to find it. Seriously, why the heck do they need a birth certificate for U9 lacrosse?! Are people that dishonest?! Cripes.

2. Man, that game was good tonight. A nail-biter, for sure. That ref is sooooo lucky that the Hawks came back to win it in overtime…otherwise he was going to need some bodyguards. What a terrible call!! I am enjoying this playoff run so much better than the one in 2010. Mom was so sick then. I barely remember who they played when they won the Stanley Cup. Mom was a true fan…watched the games even when she was barely awake..and we were so proud of her for eating real food without that disgusting thickener. But she said everything tasted awful anyway. Such a big sign that her appetite was not what it once was…

3. Tate’s appetite is definitely back. Vyvanse really suppressed it. Focelin is working better to keep him focused, but MAN, that kid can eat again!!! Why does he have to overstuff his mouth? I know he’s looking for sensory input. The electric toothbrush that the OT recommended isn’t really working. Tate does not like that sensation. He plays with it enough, but just to watch the spinning head. He’s gaining weight. He has enough to struggle with…wish he didn’t have to worry about being the chubby kid, too. Maybe I need to stop letting him eat chicken nuggets, pizza, and cheese. But then what will he survive on? Fruit snacks? I need to cut back on his lemonade intake, too. I’ll switch to water for him tomorrow…he can have one cup of lemonade at each meal. That’s better than the 2 he is having now. I wish he’d eat fruit and vegetables. I really need to eat more vegetables. My weight is not what I want it to be. Yeah, I’m exercising, but dang, it is obvious that I’m not as young as I used to be. I don’t fluctuate. When I gain a couple pounds, it sticks around for a while. What happened to my willpower? I used to be able to eat like a rabbit and would be fine…now I am hungry all of the time.

4. Why can’t our ABA provider be straight with me. Seriously, just call me or send me an email to let me know what the plan is for the next couple of weeks. It is really annoying me that I still don’t know the name of our new therapist, nor do I know for certain what hours she’s working on her days. It shouldn’t be this hard to get the right mix of therapy. And why won’t more insurance companies cover ABA? It is research based and proven. What a crock. I should start insurance reform. (Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha…like I have time for that.)

5. I need to email Jake’s teacher and see which boys from his class she thinks would be good play dates for him. I wish he had more friends. More friends who were boys. He just tends to play with girls at recess. And I really hope that he is not spending too much time with that Jasper. That kid rubs me the wrong way. He is naughty and kind of mean. I hope they aren’t in class together next year. Glad I wrote that note to the principal. Why the heck won’t the principal let Jake meet his 4th grade teacher this week? That was our original deal. Love how she conveniently pushed that back to Monday after school. She just doesn’t get it. Wish we had a principal who understood special needs kids better. I’m sure she hates me now because I’ve been so much more vocal this year. Dammit. I hope the boys don’t suffer because of this.

6. Man, Hubz is snoring loudly tonight. Let me just jab him…(poke Hubz in the side)there. I feel better. At least the snoring stopped. Of course, I still can’t sleep. He is out. He only sleeps like this when he’s stressed.  He is acting stressed. I wish that he wasn’t stuck at work so much lately. I am burned out. He is burned out. It doesn’t seem like his job is going to let up any time soon. And before we know it, he’ll be commuting downtown. That’s going to blow. I am going to miss the flexibility. And him. And the help.

7. It’s 2:00. I REALLY need to sleep. The boys will be up before I know it. And I need to sneak in a shower. And CRAP!!! I forgot to make lunches last night. Ugh…..I hope that Tate gets dressed easily for me this morning. Maybe Cole will sleep in. I hope he doesn’t start shouting for me when I get in the shower. That’s really annoying. Need to sleep. Need to sleep. One one-thousand. Two-one-thousand. Three-one-thousand. Oh, shit. I forgot that car insurance needs to be paid this week. And car payment. And Discover Card. And schedule Target payment. I’ll do that tomorrow. Oh, and I forgot to see what swim classes are left at the Y for Jake and Cole. Gaahh. Stop thinking so much! Go to sleep. Damn, my head STILL hurts…although it’s not pounding. Let me switch pillows. Ok…that’s better.

8. One-one thousand. Two-one thousand. Three one-thousand. Four…..snzzzz….

I woke up at 6 am with Tate shouting about poop. And thus began another day in the life….



I’ll cop to having some anxiety. My boys come by their anxious streaks honestly. My anxiety manifests itself with a “nervous stomach” and with insomnia. Yeah, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree there. I remember being about Jake’s age, and fretting away in my bed at 2:00 in the morning because I hadn’t passed along a chain letter that a friend had sent to me. I was going to be cursed with SEVEN years of bad luck. Oh the horror!!! I went so far as to wake up my mom and express my concerns. She kind of mumbled something about it being gibberish…or maybe she was speaking gibberish…and was told to go back to sleep.

One of my college roommates would tease me because I didn’t pull any all-nighters. Well, I never pulled an all-nighter where I was studying. I did lie (lay?) awake several nights at a time freaking out about passages that I hadn’t read, or a volunteer opportunity for my sorority that I hadn’t taken advantage of, or not “applying” to a mass interview from a visiting company. I may have also spent more than  my fair share of evenings contemplating what exactly that cute guy meant when he said “catch ya later” or wondering if I’d look good in a “Rachel” haircut. (FYI, no, no I didn’t.)

My relationship with insomnia has been long term. It is always intermittent, but when we’re hanging out, ugh, we are in it to win it. It flares when I have a lot going on in my life…and subsides when things are fairly routine and don’t require too much extra from my typical day.

For the past three nights I have struggled to sleep. I wake up between two and three a.m. I toss and turn. I flip my feet from under the blankets. I peel off my socks. I rub Hubz’s back (he insists it is the panacea for insomnia…but I beg to differ). My mind flits from thing to thing. I tend to perseverate. I get wrapped up in minute details…and focus on things that are better left until  morning.

The past few weeks have been a bit overwhelming. Since the end of September, I have had to prepare for two IEP meetings, the commencement of Red Ribbon Week (I’m a co-chair of the committee), Jake’s birthday party, and my religious education class. I also volunteered to order pins for our 3rd graders’ Veterans’ Breakfast, and will help run the craft-a-palooza with the students to make said pins. I’m a co-head room parent, so I am working on Halloween parties, too. I’m waiting for emails, writing letters, coordinating postings on our school’s website, sending emails to parents, asking for donations, asking for accommodations and qualifications and changes to IEP goals, and so much more. I *may* have bitten off slightly more than I feel like I can chew at this point. (Wow…I am full of idoms today…have to use them here..at home they’d be met with blank stares or “what?!”.)

This morning while Cole was at preschool, I took out an old fashioned notepad and paper. I made a list. I started crossing things off of my list. Already, I feel so much more calm and relaxed. I can do this. I will get through October. Seeing that list and what I have done, and what needs to be done helps me tremendously. I feel like I have a little more control. A little more composure. I feel like my heart rate went down, and my blood pressure, too. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I bid insomnia adieu tonight and get a decent amount of sleep.




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