I have had a rough couple of weeks. Holiday stress is in full force. Big family gatherings are just not easy for our little family…at any moment, due to any given circumstance, joy can turn to anguish as we help Tate cope with sensory overload and meltdowns. There’s the guilt we carry for our other 2 sons, Jake and Cole, who didn’t ask for this..who don’t deserve to know some of the things they know in our crazy life.
In addition to the stress of helping an Autistic child through holidays, I miss my mom so.freakin.much. Why did I think “the seconds” would be easier than “the firsts”?? Last year I almost felt numb. I was getting through some serious PTSD from watching my mom go from seemingly healthy to seriously ill, to terminally ill, to dying. All within 4 months. FOUR FREAKIN’ MONTHS. It was all about surviving. This year?? The emotional punch of her absence is so strong. It is like someone is standing on my chest, grabbing my heart, and trying to pull it up through my throat. It gets knotted there, I choke-up, and the tears begin to stream down my face.
Hubz and I have talked…and I keep saying that while we have to make the most of what we’ve got, this is definitely NOT the “pick-your-own-adventure” I would have chosen. Not at all. In fact, right about now I’d like to go back and change a few things. Except I can’t. Because it’s not my call. Yes, sometimes things in life stink, and in the dark times, I wonder, “what the ef?!”
What am I getting at here??? Last night I was reading a blog where she was talking about signs she has been blessed to receive since losing her son. I was so touched by that blog post…and have spent a bit of time thinking about signs from above…Since my mom’s “graduation to heaven”, I really feel that, at times, she is trying to let me know that it’s ok…that she’s ok…and that I will be…O.k. Once I could smell her in the breeze that blew by me as I walked outside on a cool October day. Another time, there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky after a weird rain shower. (My mom always loved rainbows.) And there is the song.
See, the night my mom died, we were sitting around my parents’ living room, surrounding her bed with love. My sisters and I were there, our aunt and cousin were there, my mom’s closest friend was there. We were waiting, talking, crying, sharing. In the background, the finale of America’s Got Talent played while no one in particular was watching it. The show opened with a song from La Roux…”Bulletproof”. My ears perked up…I listened to the lyrics…I was drawn to that song.. I listened during the entire performance of the runners-up, and then moved on. Over the past 14 1/2 months, I feel like the song plays on the radio exactly.when.I.need.it.most. It’s been uncanny. It’s almost always when I’m wistfully remembering my mom. It brings a smile to my face…and I feel her presence.
Today was doubly goose-bump inducing. I was driving home from picking Tate up from school, and was thinking about how proud my mom would be of his accomplishments. Cue the radio..cue the song. While it played, I let my mind wander, and began to think of how much I missed her, and how much life stinks sometimes. .And then, it happened. The next song on the radio was “Good Life” by One Republic. It gave me chills.
hope know that my mom was telling me something….that in the “next life” we are all bulletproof…and that this life here, it is a good life…and just like that, my spirits were lifted….