I am battling SAD right now. Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s a real disorder…Google it! For those who don’t know, it basically means that when it is cold, gray, and dreary, and I get cooped up in the house for too long, my inner dialogue goes from “tra-la-la” to “wah-wah-wah”. Most years, right around this time, I fall into “the rut”.
“The rut” is subtle at first. I throw my hair into a ponytail more, I eat a few more high-carb foods, I decide to watch a tv show instead of moving. “The rut” becomes a full-blown ditch if I am not careful.
Today, I think I fell into “the ditch”. As with all depression, it is harder to keep calm. Things irritate more. Patience is thin, if there at all.
I did my usual morning pick-up of the first floor. I couldn’t find a DVD from the library. Shit! Another DVD lost…of course it is due back TODAY. FRICK! Before I knew it, time had flown, and Cole and I had to go to our Mom & Tot sport class. He had been asking since Sunday if it was time to go. We got to class, Cole jumped right in to the warm-up. Then we started playing soccer. As soon as the instructor
reprimanded reminded him that soccer is played with our feet,not our hands, he was done. Little, stinker. Argh!
After class we got Tate from school. That went fine. We got home, and Tate grabbed the vacuum. Not the stinking vacuum again. Cripes. I hate the sound of that darned thing…
I need to get the Maggie Hairs, Mommy. (Maggie is our geriatric yellow lab. She is also Tate’s go-to excuse for vacuuming.) Sigh…all right, all right…
Reluctantly I set up the vacuum. While Tate ran the vacuum, I searched for the missing DVD. Found the DVD, as well as another one that was missing from the prior week. Could NOT find the case. FRICK! While I was stacking books, they fell. On me. I *may* have thrown said books. I *may* have started to cry.
Oh.Shit. I opened my eyes….and found 4 staring at me. Cole looked shocked, but returned to his book and Legos. Tate got anxious. He started to sway back and forth. He started to form a little “oh” with his mouth. Oh.My.God. I have caused my poor child anguish…and this has nothing to do with him…
“Oh, Tater, it’s ok…it’s ok…Mommy is not, NOT angry with you. At all.” I hugged him. He let me.
“Um, Mommy? I’m fine. ( A current script.) Let’s look here for the library movie.”
Did I hear that correctly? My little boy, who has so many issues with social interaction, empathy, and self-expression just managed to pull it all together for his mom…his neurotypical mom who should be setting an example, not having a temper tantrum.
“Thank you, Tate. I would like that.”
“Let’s see, Mommy…nope, it’s not here.”
“Thanks, anyway. I am sorry, bud.”
“It’s ok Mommy. I’m fine.”
And with that, I realized I was in “the ditch”. I will dig, climb, and scratch my way out of here…because I will NOT do that in front of my kids again. I apologized to them both, gave hugs, and told them I wasn’t angry with them.I said that sometimes Mommies cry and have temper tantrums, too.Tate calmed down, and Cole asked me to read him a story.
Later, and unaware of my temper tantrum, Hubz texted me to see if I was ok…that I seemed down today. I told him that I am, but I will be ok…and also told him that I am going out to Target tonight. I need to regroup…need to take a deep breathe…need to do something for me.
Today is a rough day. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed them. But I have hope that tomorrow will be better.