In two days my oldest son will make his First Communion. I am so excited for him, as it is a big rite of passage. At the same time I am feeling overwhelmed. Will we get everything done in time to celebrate? Will he feel special? Will he remember the day fondly, as I remember mine? Will his brothers remain entertained and not interrupt the Mass?
I feel akin to a school kid who’s muddling through finals week. I’m going through the motions, but am I doing this right? Am I giving it the correct balance of celebration and reverence?? Will I pass the test?!
On top of the First Communion, I am trying to get summer figured out. Registrations, payments, transportation, etc. I feel like I’m always behind the 8-ball. Do my kids know how frazzled I am? Do they know I feel like a basket case? In the end I am usually able to pull it all off, and they go where I tell them…and life is good. But it’s the behind-the-scenes minutae that is driving me insane right now.
These are totally the moments where I miss my mom. Did she fumble around like this? Did she have insecurity? Because, to me and my sisters, Mom was the master. She sailed through this motherhood thing like it was a small, calm lake. To me, she was self-asssured and had it all figured out. She made it look easy…and I strive to be like her…but right now?! I feel like a mess. I could use a hug and a pep talk right about now…
Two years ago as my mom was convelescing, we talked about many things…and I made sure she knew how much I loved her, how much she meant to me and the boys, how she was my role-model. I didn’t think to ask if she ever felt like this…or how she got through it…or if it made her life frought with anxiety. Oh well, I guess if it didn’t seem important then, in the scheme of things, it mustn’t be so important….and as long as my boys know that they are loved and feel celebrated, at least I am doing something right….right??